Me & You Plus 2
by hime the stars shine bright
Summary: Ulquihime. Collection of family one-shots. "SORA INOUE CIFER, YOU COME PICK EVERY ONE OF THOSE DEAD BUGS OUT OF MY SHAMPOO, RIGHT NOW!" Yeah. Orihime and that damned ex-espada-now-fukutaicho just HAD to go and procreate.
1. Butter

**.BUTTER.**  
_

_September 3- Orihime's birthday!❤_

Two big, chibi-like sets of eyes stared up at the calendar, in which a certain date had been marked with a little pink heart.

The elder of the two, seven year old Ameko, had hazel eyes- perhaps a mix of Orihime's brown and Ulquiorra's green, and orangish-brown hair, which was also probably a blend of Orihime's pretty oranginess an Ulquiorra's jet black hair.

The younger one, Sora, was 4, an innocent troublemaker, and was described as a "chibi Ulquiorra" as his mother lovingly dubbed him sometimes. The only difference in his looks and his father's were that he did not have those deep green tear-marks running down his face, and that he had his mother's bubbly smile.

Both were readily planning on making cookies for their mommy's birthday.

The catch was, neither wanted mommy to find out.

That meant asking Mrs. Yume (for the kids, Obaachan), the next door neighbor, if she could help them without mommy finding out.

Obaachan readily agreed, and they had set to making the dough, when it was discovered that they had no butter.

And so, the two darling Cifer children set out to sneak butter from their house next door.

This is where the story begins.

...

...  
...

The refridgerator in the Cifer residence was gigantic- at least, to any normal child's size.

Luckily, Sora had mastered climbing skills, and he could scale the fridge in 30 seconds flat.

"Get the butter, Sora," Ameko said as she tiptoed behind the hallway, "I'll watch for mommy."

"Otay!" Sora struggled to open the door, but at long last, yanked it open, and shivered slightly at the sudden cold from it, and then began to climb it by putting his tiny chubby feet onto the edge of the fridge and pulling himself up by grabbing onto the shelves.

Carefully as a four year old can go, Sora reached up, chubby little fingers desperately grasping for the stick of butter sitting on the top shelf in the door of the fridge. Ameko's voice came in a harsh whisper, "Sora get down, mommy's coming!"

His eyes widened in fear of being caught by mama, Sora climbed down the fridge, placed the unwrapped stick of butter on his head, put on his fedora hat over it, and climbed down the fridge, swinging the door shut just in time for Orihime to walk in.

Ameko held her breath quietly as she watched the scenes unfold from her place behind the wall- hopefully her little brother wouldn't give away the surprise.

"Sora," Orihime was decked out in a yellow dress, her hair pulled into a bun and held with a clip, "What were you doing in the fridge?"

Sora's hands are behind his back innocently, "No flidge, mum-mum."

Orihime raised an eyebrow. "Sora, I saw you climbing in the fridge."

Again, Sora shook his head. "No flidge, mum-mum."

Now Orihime was mad.

Problem is, she doesn't like the word "mad".

So.

Orihime was upset.

Very, very upset.

"Sora," Orihime said in an upset tone, "Why are you lying to mommy?"

"Sola no lying, mum-mum."

Orhime bit her lip. He insisted on it when she had seen him!

...She wanted Ulquiorra.

"Go to your room, Sora. Time-out for five minutes."

Sora turned and shuffled towards the stairs, hands still behind his back. As he did, the sock on his left foot slipped off, but he didn't turn around to get it, and continued upstairs.

Orihime picked up the sock, sniffled, and used it to pat her dampened eyes.

Her baby was_ lying _to her!

He was only_ four_!

And already he was- he was becoming so..._rebellious!_

Across the hall, still hiding behind the wall, Ameko slapped her forehead.

_'Sora, that dumby! Now how am I supposed to get butter?'_ she observed her mother slowly climbing up the stairs, probably to talk to him,_ 'I'll just grab some more from the fridge when mommy gets upstairs...'_

...

...

Upstairs, Orihime stood outside Sora's room. She took a deep breath, before opening the door.

_'Discipline,' _she thought to herself, _'I must discipline him. Lying to mommy is WRONG!'_

Her son sat on his bed, back straight, swinging his little baby legs back and fourth.

Orihime bit her lip, "Sora, do you have something you wanna say to mommy?"

"Solly, mum-mum." Sora's legs stopped swinging as he looked down at his hands.

Orihime bent over so that she was face-level with him, "Why'd you lie to me, baby?"

"I'm solly, mum-mum," Sora said again, this time fidgeting.

Orihime's eyes narrowed. _'He's acting funny...'_

Around then, a trickle of unknown pale yellow-ish substance trickled down Sora's forehead.

Orihime screamed.

...

...  
...

Ulquiorra Cifer was finally home. He could now relax, unwind, see his goreous kids, and celebrate his beautiful wife's birthday-

"OH KAMI, HIS BRAINS ARE COMING OUT!"

Ulquiorra jumped, and then ran upstairs, bursting into Sora's room, "What is the screaming about?"

Orihime was half laughing, half crying, face flushed, and hugging Sora to her chest. Sora had a blank look on his face...and there was a half-melted stick of butter on his head.

Ulquiorra stared.

"...What is going on here?"

**END.**

-  
**Ameko:** Means "rain-child". I thought that suited an Ulquihime daughter.  
**Sora:** named after Orihime's beloved older brother. He is his mommy's spoiled baby. X3 And his design is influenced by "Gift Art for Issues09" by ~Rusky-Boz on Deviantart.


	2. Shampoo

**.SHAMPOO.**

Ulquiorra Cifer sat cross-legged in the family room, along with Ameko, helping her with her math homework.

"Find the sum." Ulquiorra read the directions on Ameko's paper, "21+13=_."

"I don't get it."

"You just have to add."

"But I don't get it."

"Try."

Ameko huffed, annoyed, and picked up her pencil.

Ulquiorra leaned against the couch, closing his eyes.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Ti-

"Ok, I'm done!" Ameko thrusted the paper at him, "Daddy, no sleeping!"

Ulquiorra opened his eyes, quickly shutting out all of his annoyed feelings, and glanced down at the paper.

"Ok, so you got...1.615384615384615? How did you get that?"

"I just did what I was supposed to!"

"Ameko, 21 plus 13 equals 34. How in Hueco Mundo did you-"

Father and Daughter blinked as Sora ran past them as fast as his chubby baby legs could carry him.

"Sora?"

"Sola not here!"

A few moments later, a loud scream erupted from upstairs, and Ulquiorra knew something was up.

"Sora, what did you-"

"Nothing!" Sora got down on his knees and crawled underneath the couch- one of his favorite hiding places. "Sola did nothing, baba!"

Ulquiorra made to reply to his son when Orihime appeared.

She was all wet, in nothing but a salmon-pink towel. Her hair was soaked, so it stuck together in locks, and there was soap on her head.

As soon as she entered the living room, she screamed, "SORA! YOU COME BACK HERE AND PICK EVERY ONE OF THOSE DEAD BUGS OUT OF MY SHAMPOO! RIGHT NOW!"

Ameko sang out, "Ooooh, bus-teeeedddd..."

Orihime stood where she was, one hand on her hip, the other holding her towel to make sure it wouldn't fall, and said in a dangerous voice, "Sora Inoue Cifer. Come out right _now_. I mean it."

Silence.

Ulquiorra stared at the couch his son was hiding under.

Should he give him away...?

"SORA INOUE CIFER, I AM COUNTING TO TEN!" Orihime loudly proclaimed, tapping her foot on the floor. "ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NI-"

"I'm solly, mum-mum!" Sora popped out from underneath the couch and dove for Orihime's feet.

"I'm sure you are!" Orihime picked him up and to take him upstairs, but not before noticing her husband looking at her curiously.

"What are you looking at me like that for?" Orihime half shrieked, as she carried a wailing Sora ("I'M SOLLY MUM-MUM! EXCUSHE ME MUM-MUMMMM! I'M SOLLY!") upstairs. "Finish your work!"

"Yes, ma'am." Ulquiorra murmered softly.

_Well._

Orihime would get her's tonight.

Ulquiorra turned back to his daughter's homework. "Well?"

Ameko sat silently, turning her red lollipop in her mouth. "I don't get it."

Ulquiorra sighed. "Ameko. You have 21 hollows. A garganta opens and 13 more arrive. How many hollows are there now?"

Silence filled the room as Ameko look up at the ceiling, counting on her fingers. "...34?"

"Yes," Ulquiorra handed her paper back to her, "And how did you get 1.615384615384615?"

"I did this." Ameko grabbed the paper and wrote quickly in her messy scrawl 21/13. 13*1=13.

Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow, "You are able to divide but you are unable to add?"

Ameko laughed, scratching her head akwardly, "Haha, yeah I guess so!"

Ulquiorra sighed softly. As dangerous as it was, she was becoming more and more like Woman every day.

He wondered if he could keep up?

**END.**

-  
Some random things:  
-Sora can't pronounce the letter R. So when he says "sorry" it comes out as "solly". Those aren't typos XD  
-Sora calls Orihime "mum-mum" and Ulquiorra "Baba". 


	3. Report

**.REPORT.**

"Ulquiorra?"

Ulquiorra looked up from some papers he had been going over, deep green eyes immediately flickering over to his wife, who was gripping a paper nervously in her hands, biting her small, perfect pink lip.

"Woman?"

"Umm..." She leaned forward slightly, to indicate to the papers, "Am I bothering you?"

"No." Ulquiorra's answer was so abrupt and quick it was almost rude, but Orihime had long gotten used to Ulquiorra's ways- besides, it wasn't like he was actually trying to be rude to her, "What is it?"

Orihime's light brown eyes scanned the paper in her hands nervously, "Well... Sora got his paper back."

Ulquiorra now completely focused his attention on his son's schoolwork, "And?"

Orihime's eyes saddened slightly, "It...it didn't turn out very good."

Ulquiorra held out his hand. "Let me see."

Orihime pressed the paper against her chest, "Promise me you won't get angry at him!"

"Woman..." Ulquiorra stared at his wife's pouty, refusing face and resisted the urge to sigh, "Alright."

Orihime slowly handed him the paper. Ulquiorra took it and placed it on the table, and began to read.

...

_Sora Cifer_

_Yuuhi-sensei_

_January 3_

_My Report On See Animales- Clown Fishes_

_Clown fishes are really coolio see animales. They are orange, like my mom's hair and also sometimes have some white stripes like tigers only tigers have black stripes but clown fishes are white. Clown fishes are clown fishes because I think they are really funny probably like nemos dad when he tells jokes. One clown fish is finding nemo, I liked that movie a lot. Clown fishes live in enemes because enemes keep them safe from other bad fishes like octopuses. Like the purple octopus in the movie was squirting ink everywhere becuse she was a fraidy-cat. Also nemo is a fraidy cat because of the dentist was evil but dentists are scary and I dont like them neither. Dorie is like my mommy because she always forgets stuff like sometimes mommy forgets to put fruit chewies in my lunch. And then I get to eat them at home so ok but then niisan eats them and I get sad. Also nemos are really cool see animales becuse my lunchbox has nemos on it. Nemos live in lots of places besides the see. Also in some fishtanks like in the dentists office and also my bathtub. but not really the bathtub part. And I think Nemos eat sand or maybe see weed but niisan said they eat see weed becuse nemos are dumb and eat weed because its a drug. I dont know what that meens but ok. Niisan is kinda a weerdo. I think clown fishes eat sand still. And thats my report on clown fishes._

...

Ulquiorra stared at his son's paper silently, eyes scanning the run-on sentences and countless mistakes over and over.

"Woman."

Orihime flinched ever so slightly at Ulquiorra's not-too-happy tone.

"Hmm?"

"Get Ameko."

Orihime frowned slightly, "Ame? Why?"

"According to the paper..." Ulquiorra put the paper down on the table, "She believes sea weed is the same thing as Marijuana- weed."

"Ulquiorra-"

"Never mind, now." Ulquiorra's eyes met his wife's, "Bring them both here."

Orihime sighed softly as she made her way upstairs to her daughter's room to get her, glancing in the living room to see Sora sitting in the living room eating apple slices.

Her kids were so busted.


	4. Honey

**.HONEY.**

It was about 4 in the evening, and Sora Inoue Cifer was settled down in front of the tv. He was feeling rather happy today, because he had completed his homework (wether it was correct or not was a different story) and had nothing else to do. Sora felt rather hungry, so he decided to get something from the kitchen, ultimately deciding to make himself some toast, because it was easy.

Once he settled in front of the tv, he stared up at the screen, which had Spongebob Squarepants loudly proclaiming how great it was to work at night, when his sister came over.

She stood a bit behind him, sort of like a shadow, and chuckled softly. "Toast and honey, huh?"

Sora looked up at his sister from his honey toast, "Hi, Neesan!"

Ameko smiled slyly, "Hey, do you know where honey comes from?"

Now, Ameko was the bright child in the Cifer residence. She always got straight A's, and was very clever and cunning for her age, a proclaimed child prodigy. Sora wasn't really like that much at all, so whenever he got the chance to look smart, he used it. Even at his little age.

"Oh, I know!" He exclaimed happily, pointing. "Bees make it! They go to flowers!"

"Yeah..." Ameko leaned closer to her brother, "But do you know how they make it? It's pretty GROSS."

Sora stared at his sister with wide eyes, both hands still gripping his toast, his fingers getting sticky from honey, waiting for his sister to continue.

Ameko leaned back again, "They PUKE it."

"Liar!" Sora cried, green eyes widening even more. Ameko smirked slightly, leaning against the couch, "Ask dad if you don't believe me. Ask!"

"BABA!" Sora screeched.

"Yes, Sora?" Ulquiorra's voice came from down the hall, from his office.

"IS HONEY BEE PUKE?"

"Yes, it is." Ulquiorra's answer was what you would call too honest, and too to the point. Obviously he hadn't learned what he should and shouldn't tell his children.

"Told you, puke eater." Ameko said matter of factly. Sora stared down at his toast sadly and distastefully, before looking up at his sister again.

"What are cookies made of?"

"Milk, eggs, cocoa beans. Nothing wierd."

Ameko watched as her brother got up from his place and walk off, probably towards the kitchen, leaving his uneaten honey toast sitting in a plate where it was.

Ameko stared at the toast.

Picked it up.

And ate it.

_Good times, good times._


	5. Song

**.SONG.**

It all started when Ameko had to open her big fat mouth.

Sora sat in his high chair, leaning over the side, and dribbling apple sauce out of his mouth, watching in fascination as it slopped on the floor in a not-so-neat circle.

Sora giggled, and clapped his hands, feeling accomplished.

Meanwhile, Ameko strolled into the kitchen, making a face as she carefully skipped around the mini-puddles of apple sauce and smiled at her brother.

"Sora!"

"Nii-dan!" Big green eyes met hazel ones. Ameko smiled slyly.

"Sora bo bora, fi fa fo fora!" Ameko babbled, and poked his nose with her finger affectionately.

Sora stared, and then giggled. "Nii-dan!"

"Sora bo bora, fi fa fo fora!" Ameko recited, again.

Sora giggled. "Ameko bo bameko, fi fa fo fameko!"

Ameko's smile widened even more. "Yes. Rise... my apprentice."

-cue dramatic music-

She had conquered.

...

Ameko skipped out of the kitchen, feeling light and accomplished, and passed her mother, who was going in to feed Sora/clean up whatever mess he made.

As they passed, Orihime looked at her daughter curiously, pausing for a moment as she watched Ameko skip out happily. Something was wierd.

She turned back to her son, and automatically, a big smile crossed her face.

"Mumum!" Sora crowed, hitting the high chair's tray with his spoon over and over. Orihime smiled.

"Let's feed Sora some apple sauce! Yayyy!"

"Mumum!"

Orihime took the spoon out of his hands and picked up the little jar of sauce, "What is it, baby?"

"Mumum bo bumum, fi fa fo fumum!"

Orihime stared at her son for a moment before bursting into a fit of giggles. Taking this as praise, Sora crowed.

It had started.

...

Orihime had dropped off Sora and Ameko at the Kurosaki's, as Ulquiorra was working and she had to take Ameko to a doctor's appointment. Luckily, Sora got along quite well with Rukia and Ichigo's triplet daughters- Hisana, Masaki and Sakura.

"NO MUMUM, NO!" Sora screamed, clinging desperately to Orihime's leg.

"I'll be back in a while, Sora-"

"NO!"

"Sora," Orihime got down on her knees and pulled her son off her leg, "C'mon, it's only for a little while. And look-" she pointed at a familiar orange-haired, violet-eyed little girl watching curiously in the background, "Sakura's gonna play with you."

Sora sniffled, green chibi eyes filled with tears, and backed off. "Ok."

Orihime left, and when Rukia pulled all four kids into the kitchen for a snack, Sora adapted quickly and easily.

"Ukia!" Sora squeaked, accidently spilling apple juice on the table.

Rukia automatically wiped it up with a paper towel, "Yes?"

"Ukia bo bukia, fi fa fo fukia!" Sora chimed, doing a little dance with his hands as he did.

...

Orihime watched out of the corner of her eye as Sora toddled around the living room, dragging his stuffed rabbit, Gigi, (a gift from Rukia during Orihime's baby shower) around as he did. The rabbit was rather large, an off-white color, with long, floppy ears and a big yellow bow tied around it's neck. Sora took it with him wherever he want, dragging it by an arm or a leg, but never by the ears.

Finally, he plopped down in a place he found suitable, Sora plopped the poor old rabbit in front of him and crowed, "Gigi bo bigi, fi fa fo figi!"

Orihime raised an eyebrow as Sora tied a towel around his shoulders, "I'm supel-man! Supelman bo bupel-man, fi fa fo fupelman!"

...

Ulquiorra stared at his son, who sat in the living room playing with a toy truck.

He observed as his son put Gigi in the bed of the truck, moved it two inches, and dumped it out with a loud "BEEP!"

Ulquiorra went over to his son and sat down, eyeing him curiously. "What are you doing, Sora?"

"Baba!" Sora squealed excitedly, forgetting his toys, got up off his little butt and toddled over to Ulquiorra, where he began climbing his lap.

"What is it?"

Sora gripped Ulquiorra's shoulders and looked up at his father, emerald eyes meeting emerald eyes, and recited dutifully, "Baba bo baba, fi fi fo faba!"

With that, Sora slid off Ulquiorra's lap and ran, squealing and giggling as fast as his pudgy little legs could carry him, both of his hands covering his mouth as he giggled.

Ulquiorra watched him go with a blank expression.

_'What...?'_

_...  
_

Grimmjow came over.

Although he and Ulquiorra never got along when they were hollows, now that both were shingami they had gained a- well, a tolerance of each other.

This was besides the fact that Sora absolutely adored the blue haired, blue eyed man.

Grimmjow was rather fond of him, too.

"Hey, little man!"

"Glim-jowww!" Sora crowed, running over to him. Grimmjow ruffled his hair.

"Man, are you looking tough. Look who's getting bigger and stronger every day!" Grimmjow grinned evilly, looking up at Ulquiorra, who watched blankly in the doorway, "Unlike his lousy dad!"

Ulquiorra's blank stare was menacing. Words were exchanged even though he didn't say anything.

_Shut up or I'll kill you._

Grimmjow's grin got even bigger.

"Glimmjow!" Sora tugged his pant leg.

"What is it, lil' man?"

Sora hopped up and down, Gigi flying out of his grasp as he did, "Glimmjow bo blimmjow, fi fa fo flimmjow!" and ran to retrieve his rabbit, "Gigi bo biji, fi fa fo fiji! Enraku bo benraku, fi fa fo fenraku! Ichigo bo beechigo, fi fa fo feechigo! Sado bo bado, fi fa fo fado!"

Grimmjow looked at Orihime, a flat look on his face, "You taught him that, didn't you?"

...

It was eight at night- Sora's bedtime.

Orihime tucked him into bed.

Sora yawned, and Orihime smiled.

Sora dropped Gigi on the floor. Orihime picked him up and put it next to him.

Sora yawned again... and burst out in song.

"Tatsuki bo batsuki, fi fa fo fatsuki! Nii-dan bo bii-dan, fi fa fo fii-dan! Pillow bo billow, fi fa fo fillow! Nelli bo bellie... "

"Shh," Orihime said, putting her finger on Sora's lips, "Sleepy time. No more fi fa fo."

"Ok.." Sora's said sleepily, his eyes getting droopy.

Orihime quietly slipped out of Sora's room, leaving the door half open so that a little light still peaked in, and went to her own room.

"What has he been singing all day?" Ulquiorra questioned, glancing up from his book.

"I dunno." Orihime pulled the scrunchie out of her hair, "He must've picked it up from somewhere-"

"Kurosaki's?"

"No, he was singing long before I left him there." Orihime sighed softly, "Hopefully by tomorrow it will be long forgotten."

"Yes."

...

The next morning, both Ulquiorra and Orihime were soundly asleep in their room. It was 5 in the morning, and not a soul was awake.

Quietly, the door creaked open.

Sora crept slowly to his parent's bed, staring at his father in fascination as he did. He gripped the edge of the bed with his little fingers, before pulling himself up onto it, and then...

...jumped right on Ulquiorra and screamed, "BABA BO BABA, FI FA FO FABA! MUMUM BO BUMUM, FI FA FO FUMUM! MUMUM!"

Orihime screamed.

...

**END**

...

1. Gigi is Sora's stuffed rabbit. Yes, it's a male. Even though it's name is Gigi. XD That's how Sora's brain works.  
2. Ameko is a clever, evil genius girl. Ulquiorra once commented on Ameko possibly being Aizen's daughter instead of his and Orihime's. Orihime gave him the cold shoulder for the rest of the day. XD  
3. I'm really sorry for not updating sooner! I've been busy with my classes for this semester finishing (is a lame excuse, I know) hopefully I'll be posting more. Oh yeah, if you guys have any suggestions or requests for prompts that you want me to write, let me know. :D


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